Story Time

Tears, Friendships

Today, as I was seating down in my quiet living room, I started to cry. Tears and tears were trickling down my face, uncontrollably. I let them fall not wanting to control my crying. My heart was full of upset, frustrations, lonely and hurt and I finally could express my sorrow by crying alone. Why? Usually a happy person whose simple pleasures of life are enough to make me feel on top of the world, today and since a few days ago, something has been bugging me, something that I should not accept. Having a great capacity to listen to other people’s problems and also to often find the right words of consolation or advice for whoever comes to me, I personally hardly seek anyone’s shoulder to empty my heart. Not because I don’t need that moral support, but because I am the type of person who always tries to sort out my own issues by myself first.

Anyway, this sad feeling was linked to a situation with one of my dearest friends who I consider and love like a sister. Why couldn’t I tell her that her constant nearly daily nagging is dragging me down? Why couldn’t I tell her that I am tired of these one-way phone conversations where she does all the talking and never ever does the listening or even worse doesn’t hear you when you try to tell her how unwell you are? Why couldn’t I tell her that I don’t want to listen to her rants any more? Why couldn’t I tell her that I felt used and insulted by her uncommitted ear? But even more, why have I been avoiding her calls for the past 4 days instead of telling her how her attitude hurts?

Those tears expressed anger at myself, anger for being scared of hurting my friend in detriment of my own well-being. Why sparing her? Because she is a loveable person, egoistic but nevertheless generous, I chose to ignore her calls for a few days. This was not the right thing to do. This decision to avoid her  made me feel uncomfortable with myself and my tears were the expression of my own disappointment towards my own attitude. By being unassertive in this situation, I felt like I let myself down. Not good…

I don’t think my current mood can be described as depression, it’s just anger. I am tired of being the listener in many of my relationships. I think I too deserve a shoulder, a confident, a rock that will also make me an even better listener for my friends. I’d love this particular friend to be my listener too, could she be one again? I think she can.

Anyway, these tears were good. They relieved my heart from this unexpressed latent sorrow and cleared my mind to give place to finding the right words to talk to my friend.  Hopefully she will understand my feelings and will address her attitude as our friendship of more than two decades deserves to be saved. And a reconciliation with myself requires tears!!

A few years ago, a life-coach taught me that any altruist person like me needs to protect oneself with an invisible shield to avoid being overwhelmed by problems of the whole world. She was right. Although I will always remain a good listener, from now on, I will be less available to others and will concentrate on myself and my family !!!

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